For time immemorial, mystics, shamans, and believers alike have used prayer, poetry, psychedelics, and so much more to commune with the infinite. Five years ago, I was presented with my very own doorway to the divine, and it came in the form of my business. At the time, I thought I was simply “discovering my purpose”, “following my passion”, and starting a yoga/meditation/coaching business, but what I didn’t know was that I was putting my hand up for one of the greatest initiations of my life.

Because in all those moments of bitterly wishing my business would take off, in all those moments when I questioned myself and felt lost and confused, in all those moments of frustration at being misunderstood and sitting with the judgments of the world, there was profound medicine for me.

Five years later, and I still haven’t experienced the material success that I’d like as an entrepreneur. But the inner riches that I’ve mined from this journey have paid dividends far greater than any amount I could have made on my bottom line. And the woman I’ve become has and will continue to offer compound interest on any program I could have sold.

I believe my soul had put contracts in place that my business wouldn’t “work” until it was dethroned, and I could clearly engage it as it truly is—a vehicle, not a destination. My guides orchestrated it so that I wouldn’t achieve “success” until I had the space and capacity to welcome in and recognise true, life-giving success. My business decreed that before it could bear fruit, I was to become its rightful steward, that I step up to the plate clean—having transformed the deep vat of ancestral programs around working myself to death, having relinquished the belief that my worth was tied to anything measurable outside of myself, having reworked my relationship to perfectionism and then reworked it again and again.

And yes, of course, I have lofty, tangible goals for where I’d like my business to be in 10 years’ time. But more than being committed to my goals, I’m deeply devoted to what my business has been trying to teach me and who my business is asking me to become. Yes, of course, I dream of the day when my business can financially support my family and me. But more than desiring material success, I’m deeply devoted to doing business in a way that nourishes my Spirit and brings me closer to my Truth. Yes, of course, the business is important. But in all its importance, it’s not “the point.” The point is, at the end of the day, I’m not just deeply devoted to my business. I’m deeply devoted to the Mystery. And that is what I bow down to every single damn day.

Because if it’s just been about the business, I could have hustled my way through. I could have pushed through the amalgam of survival patterns that inevitably surface. I could have kept overriding my intuition and my nervous system in the name of getting my business going, of producing, of achieving. I did that for most of my life. I’m an expert at that. But no. That’s not the point, and that never will be the point. Sitting down and working hard was never the problem. Commitment and dedication were never lacking. It was my fear of being misunderstood that was the challenge. It was learning to listen, to be still, to do nothing and get comfortable in the void, that was the challenge. It was contending with the loud and vicious voices that screamed in my head, “stop being a lazy, useless piece of shit and just do something productive”—it was sitting with that, and learning it wasn’t mine, that was the challenge. It was building and connecting to an unshakeable sense of self-worth, not tied to anything measurable outside of me, that was the challenge. It was removing all the “shoulds” and beliefs that I “need to do/be x to succeed,” that were so deeply ingrained in my bones and steeped in my bloodlines, that was the challenge.

For the past 5 years, I’ve been so devoted to my business that I've continued believing in it, despite a lack of material “success” to show it was worth it, or that it even made sense to continue. On the outside, it could have looked like delusion, incompetence, a lack of commitment, or laziness. And it took me sitting with my fears of all these judgments and projections that allowed me to moulded me into who I Be now. Because if we shift the perspective on what the point of the business is, from simply making money to it being the vehicle through which I become more and more mySelf, then sure, the business has been a “failure,” but it also sure as heaven has been one of the greatest successes of my Life.

And I’m not saying sit back, forget about your business and just do energy work. No, this practice requires showing up for your business (aka showing up for the Mystery and the initiation). It just means that you might be asked to rework what it means for you to “show up.” Where you used to think it meant putting in more hours and working harder, you might find that your business is asking you to slow down and listen more. Then, when you believe that “showing up” means slowing down and listening more, you might find that your business is asking you to commit to more regular working hours and posting more consistently on social media. And then, of course, the paradox is that maybe at some point “showing up” does mean forgetting about your business and just doing energy work to heal your imposter syndrome for a while lol (or being a mother, or making art, or insert any other human thing here). But this time, it’s done from a place of engaging and listening, not running away or hiding.

When I first came to spirituality, I unconsciously related to energy work and healing as yet another thing in a slew of things I thought I had to do, learn, or master, in order to get my business to take off. Classic “do to get.” …which I replaced with “heal to get.” …before it finally transformed into “be and receive.” And not necessarily receiving in the way that my ego wanted, ie. through my business, but receiving in all other aspects of my life—through marriage, through financial support from family, through motherhood, and so much more. The blessings arrived and landed in my life where I had space to receive them. But for a while, I was blind to them, immune to the power of their bounty, because I was so focused on the perceived lack and failure in my business. I did so much healing in the name of wanting my business to flourish, and now I finally see, I’m flourishing. And I’m so proud of the woman I’ve Become. I thought I wanted big, sold-out program launches. Turns out I was asking for a more grounded nervous system and greater capacity for tension. I thought I wanted a larger following and high engagement on social media. Turns out I was really begging for an unshakeable sense of self-trust, self-belief, and self-worth. I thought I wanted a robust roster of 1:1 clients. Turns out I was actually pleading to access and embody my own definition of personal power. My business brought me the answers to the prayers I didn’t know I was praying. And it doesn't mean life is now easy-peasy without its challenges, but it does mean I’ve become the woman who meets those challenges with more grace, groundedness, safety, skill, ease, and wisdom. And I get to bring all these qualities not just to my business, but also to motherhood, my relationships, my engagement with the world and all of Life. I have been brought into deeper communion with mySelf, uncovered my Truth, and refined my energy and self-mastery. And if I were given the chance to choose again, I would choose this way over and over.

For anyone out there who has tasted the bitterness of, “Why is my business not working yet?”…

For anyone out there who has ever felt “I can’t offer my work to the world yet, because I’m not healed/experienced/trained/psychic/insert-whatever-other-false-belief-you-have-here enough yet”…

For anyone out there who knows they are meant to be students of devotion, disciples to the divine, and who are committed to bringing more of themSelves to their businesses…

I would be love to get to know you.